Scrub the Crud

Most people live with their head in the clouds and for majority of us, it’s sheer mundane. How can people  be so content in their mediocrity? That’s one question that  never ceases to cross my mind.  Most of life is mundane..interrupted by moments of sheer pleasure and  sheer melancholy. And as the popular cliché goes, it’s a roller coaster ride! Indeed it is.(Mine is more like a giant wheel.  It keeps going up , no matter what)  But there’s only one thing that maintains its speed- our daily grind. Its one of those sadness that makes life seem so tedious and mechanical.  

Your day starts when you wake up to the alarm ranting like an angry housewife.  You wash up the  crud you’ve accumulated since last night. Scrub all you want, but  you know you’ve been a dirty pig. Why can’t you leave them alone? Didn’t they come at the cost of the life you’ve led?

 You clothe yourself in that which is considered appropriate. Appropriate for whom? You leave that unanswered everytime. You spend your day doing things that you’re supposed to do. Who dictated that? You sure didn’t. Train yourself for a job you never thought you’d have when you were six. You wanted to be something else. You wanted to do something different from others.  And  now you wait placidly for your paycheck so that you can spend it on some silly booze  and on evenings with friends, family and general loved ones. People you try so hard to please and make happy. Even at the cost of your own. You don’t really know if they like you ,do you?

Or you’ll be that douche who has no friends simply because he couldn’t stand to believe people. Your own intelligence and your own sense of humour and your own bravado is enough for you. You won’t be losing anything. Of course not!  But the little man in that nook of your soul will probably mock you– because he’s lonely.

If you’re lucky enough to fornicate before you go to sleep, you’ll do that. And then you lie back pompously once you’re done because hearing your partner panting with pleasure makes you feel like a  superhero. She probably faked it.  But you’ll never know for sure.

 But if your life is as dreary as I expect it is, you’ll masturbate, a lot. You’ll prolly picture some girl or a guy  you’ll never get. That’s probably the only time in your day when  you feel  completely exhilirated. You feel like a GOD when you do it, don’t you? Admit it. And then finally you’ll lie back to sleep. Dream up something really glossy and happy to console yourself. It’s the best you can do. But you’ll drift off eventually. Your fantasy will probably sway into some sadistic version of your reality, into a nightmare probably. You might wake up in the middle all sweaty and scared. You will hug your pillow. Drink some water and go back to sleep. Snore. Drool.  Jack off again. Fart.  Do all the things you can’t do in front of the world.

And that people, is how our life is WASTED.

Ah, Yes, More about me? Here are 10 random things:

   1)I want to try everything. And anything. I want to experience absolutely everything that life has to offer, thrice over, excluding experiences of the narcotic and tobacco kind. Also, have a threesome and bondage experience lol. And see what the fuss is all about.

  2)I want to have a job that involves playing ‘Name-place-animal-thing’, eating maggi, watching cats sing on youtube, petting dogs and correcting ppl’s spellings. Don’t say I don’t have goals!

  3) I hate it when cousins return form US and brag about zillion of things. When all they get for us is Hershey’s kisses or snickers. I feel like using those Hershey’s kisses as butt plugs on them. And I will one of these days:|

  4)Although I do think the best plans are the spontaneous ones, I have a paranoia for advance planning. I will be satisfied when tickets for a movie are booked  in advance... Add the zero patience, and I snap when people refuse to help in planning at all. And woe betide someone if the plan is called off due to the lack of planning….

 5)Whenever I am bored, I google Rakhi Sawant, Lady Gaga, ‘I swallowed semen, will I get pregnant? .., “Is Barack Obama gay?”…And then there’s always some update that makes me go ROFL. J ( Google’s search engine must be certainly convinced that I am a dull, middle-aged man with messed up priorities and scandolous fetishes)









ROFL. Btw, magnified sperms are too cute.
They are like little tadpoles all misguided and

bumping into each other. lol Dont you think so?

Ummm, may I just faint??

  6)Once I start laughing in earnest, it’s next to impossible to get me to stop. And it has its benefits too. People act concerned and very sympathetic like they’re talking to a nutcase after I haven’t paused once in two full minutes. Once, I startled a friend so much he offered to buy me a dozen of snickers if that would make me pause and assure him I was fine.( I still kick myself for having politely and breathlessly declined that offer). The longest I’ve lasted to my recollection is 2 hours 15 minutes. All right… Pick up those jaws now… Where’s your courtesy?

 7) I have imaginary conversations with my alter ego-my imaginary evil twin. He is a very wicked alter ego, and does all sorts of things I wouldn't contemplate: devilish advocacy, reading Danielle Steel, trying to get pregnant woman to drink more.

 8) I can survive solely on Maggi and mangoes. The two M’s of my life. I love food more than I love my little toes on both feet. Ehh they're too cute anyway.You got that right..I am a hardcore foot fetishist!

 9)I would sell my soul to have a puppy who dotes on me. Every morning I wake up hoping someone’d have left a Golden Retriever pup for me at the doorstep. And everytime I console myself thinking that it must have got lost in the transit.



awwww..what wouldn't I give up for these!!

  10) I cry. Way too often. Ok maybe not melodramatic cry…. When Jamie(Walk to remember) died, yes. When Marley died, yes. When Titanic sank, yes. That’s ok, right?  Now… When Hassan got raped (Kite runner) I got emotional. When Ross kissed Rachel for the first time and declared his love for her, I had to blink my eyes rapidly. (FRIENDS series for the ones scratching their heads/beards). When Serena and Blair reunited( You are a sexist if you hate “Gossip Girls” and call it a ‘chick flick’), I thought a sentimental “good-for-them”. When Amitabh Bachchan and Rekha walk away hand in hand in the floral garden singing ‘ye kaha aggaye hum’, I sighed.  You get the picture. Yeah. That lame :|

10 things that usually cross my head:

1)  Will I ever have a love life like Romeo and Juliet, Antony and Cleopatra,Spongebob and Patrick, Dora and her monkey?..Ok,except the last one.lol

2)  Will I ever find my soulmate? And by soulmate I mean someone whom I could share my maggi with.

3)  How did peacock get its name anyways…? That small, eh?? =D

4)  Why were cockroaches and mice put on this earth when they serve no purpose but to annoy?

5)  Why does Tang cause a tingling itch in my throat? And maybe elsewhere.

6)  Why do some ppl spell “come” as “cum” ? Really?? Why kill a decent 4-letter word with one that means something sooo different?  

7)  How can I even be friends with someone who has never watched an episode of F.R.I.E.N.D.S till date?! Mildly disturbing it is. :|

8)  Will Nigella Lawson ever put on weight after eating all those sinful stuff she cooks?

9)  When will I land up in Spain??

10) Why are the only messages I get nowadays are from Ncell?

   This was tougher than I thought. And longer than I thought it would take. But uber fun. Anyone, who wants, take a shot at it. Enjoy!! =D

Ruled by frauds

Its a pity that I dont use swear words… Though I know a hell lot of them, I never become profane. Then how shall I let out my anger, frustration, sadness and all? In the morning, there were only a few reasons, but as the day got older, I think enough reasons popped up to drown me in. Are there only frauds in this world? Why can’t I ever meet people who are a bit more nice? And why is the world becoming such a tough place for me day by day? God! I wish I wasnt born.. Or else, make me invisible, so that I can kill a few people out there. Really!! This has gone too far, and I cant take it anymore. As I feared, that ghastly animal in me has begun to rupture out of its lair and is about to take out a few lives too..
But the thing I want to ask to myself is why am I so much worried about people who don't mean anything to me? or do they really mean a lot to me, and I'm just ignorant about it?? In that case, I’m damn possessive and that's whats making me feel this way right now… But do they feel about me the same way that I feel about them? Is everyone truthful about their feelings? I dont think so.. Relationships have lost their value.. Frauds rule… and the ones who really put their time and effort to make a relation work are just fools who do not get back anything in return for their strain.

Time changes...And how.

I used to often go with my mom to the house of her colleagues from her office. The grown ups would sit and discuss work, places they bought their saris from and fancy recipes, while the kids would be packed off to play together.
One particular colleague had a daughter who I played video-game with on a regular basis. After having been to that girls' house many many times and after one particularly good game of super mario, I was jubilant. On the way home, I asked my mom in a very matter-of-fact way and with full confidence: “Mom, when I grow up, I’m going to marry Astha la?” A highly flustered mom hummed and hawed for a while, gave me a hasty “Let’s see, let’s see, now come on hurry up” and frisked me away.
Circa 2010.Mom sees a gold bracelet she likes and asks me if I’d like something like that to gift my potential wife. When I politely decline, she goes ahead anyway and says that she would have to buy it for my wedding anyhoo. Ditto for any grossly expensive and blingy jewellery set or sari or pretty much anything she likes and wishes to buy for my would-be wife. Now I humm and haw and mutter an infuriated “Be happy if I even get married” under my breath. When my mom starts off about her daughter-in-law who she insists must be Bahun, educated, beautiful, vegetarian, etc. etc, I give her a “Be happy if I end up with a girl instead of a guy.” That succeeds in ending the discussion right there, thankfully. Ah, how times change.

Disclaimer : This is going to be a rant . Read it on your own peril.

Dear reader(s),


The first indication of my current life graph begins with the fact that I have nothing to write about in my blog. My very first post! =)


And before I get started I have some vows to make. I promise you one thing my readers, if and when i have a break-up(not that I am in a relationship now!) I am not going to blog about sad songs and sad philosophical quotes/movie-dialogues. Also, I will not use this blog to get my messages across to the ex, subtly or unsubtly! I swear. Because I know what it feels like to be unwillingly privy to ppl washing their dirty undies in public... :|


Nobody that I love is online. Sipping on chilled tang, and listening to Kelly Clarkson and Shreya ghosal. On repeat. Perfect time for an update. My first one, might I add. Listening to them takes me to this happy place where the official language has only 2 words- Sigh and Aww. Sigh. Almost like an eargasm. A mellifluous eargasm. And who doesn't like multiple eargasm?lol


And just so you know, I created this blog few months back and I was lacking enough inspiration to get started.But on this otherwise uneventful and dull afternoon, as I was diary-ing after I was done doodling on my thighs ( yes, I do that quite often! Sexually or non-sexually :P) I thought of 'coming out' virtually- for I have always been a closet writer! :)


I imagine this post being read out to you in a voiceover, just like in all those movies where the male lead gets a bluesy letter from the female lead in which she tells him how much she loves him and how sad she is that she will never see him again. ( Weird analogy , ain't it? You know, 'Baghban' has hit me hard. I watched it for the zillionth time today. Needless to say, I cried buckets. I am such a sucker when it comes to tearjerkers.)


Now back to my analogy....
The voiceover thingie... it might be slightly creepy because if you are listening to music, the music would have to unexpectedly stop when the voiceover begins or else it would be utter cacophony. If not, a sudden disembodied voice coming from nowhere might startle some of you. But not all of you. I’m  sure a few of you are used to hearing disembodied voices. It’s like talking to yourself, only different.
Another problem I can foresee is that some of you might not know what my voice sounds like. For those who don’t, let me assure you I sound incredibly sexy. A little effeminate maybe. But who cares?


Also, just for the sake of this voice emanating out of nowhere business: Lawnmower. Protractor...Fun words to hear randomly, yes?


So there..My rambling for the day is done… Over and out!