The first picture that sprang to my mind when I first saw the trailer of ‘English Vinglish’ on TV was that of  the dream sequence from the movie ‘Mr. India’ in which the heroine with her heaving  bosom in a blue chiffon had  gyrated seductively to ‘Kate Nahin Kat Te..’ with highly orgasmic groans and excessive panting in between. Circa 2012: the actress has swapped her ultra- voluptuous sarees for a more subtle one and her provocative make-up with a beauty that seems to have remained untouched.

She was called the ‘chiffon queen’, said my mom, who practically wanted to wear everything the actress patented as her chosen attire through the score of films she did. Being a new generation among the movie goers, I found it quite exotic. I’d seen few of her movies before- Mr. India, Himmatwala etc., and I thought she was very alluring. For one, she enticed the camera with her exuding sensuality and expressions with such poise and grace. And even more, because I thought she was electrifying as an actress, no matter whom she was playing.

In an era where we see alarmingly young and sexy actresses who just slather themselves on screen for fame and money by doing pretty much everything that comes their way, I got totally wooed by the yesteryear actress Sridevi who recently saw her new high.  A few minutes into the movie and I couldn’t help but fall in love with her statuesque beauty and unconventional acting.  Sridevi as a de-glam housewife was exceptionally charming and the way she emoted when she was frowned upon for her poor English was very heart rending.

The movie just touched my raw nerves.  It’s such a warm and loving tale of a middle-class, semi-literate housewife who struggles to earn respect from her dear ones who mock at her for not knowing the Queen’s language- English ( like her daughter who was ashamed  to introduce her mother to her classmates and snapped her for speaking in Hindi with her principal).  The movie is uncannily simple yet the character played by Sri is so pleasant and firm. So much so that it made me go 'awww' from the very first shot when she wakes up to her regular mundane chores looking all dainty and slender in a saree (those eyes were most magnetic and her charm was to die for!) to the very end of the movie where she delivers a heart-warming toast to her niece at her wedding- in English!

There are many such endearing scenes in the movie that made me smile and many more that made me shed few tears( oh, who am I kidding?! I cried buckets!!) It won’t be an exaggeration to say that, in 2 hours, Sridevi delivered more acting than other bollywood actresses I’ve seen in the past few years.  She enacts  with all attention and vehemence the character required.  Whether it was her reaction or rather the lack of it when her family commented ruthlessly on her language skills, or when she was facing an existential crisis of sorts, or that one time when she goes to a restaurant alone to buy coffee and runs away crying, feeling vulnerable after failing to comprehend the questions of the counter-girl who was enough pissed due to her inability to communicate.

The movie was an education all in itself.  It microscopes into the feelings of an impeccable and selfless person who isn’t well-versed with the language and thus finds herself become a subject of ridicule-albeit in a subtle way.  And secondly, it brought reality to the screen. There is a subject everyone can identify with. We all have someone in our family or in community who is a piece of embarrassment and mockery for her husband and kids. Or a daughter who refuses to flaunt her mother in front of her friends.  What is more involving about the movie is the way the fellow students in the English class are shown so well connected with each other. Despite them being so oblivious to each other’s language, their incompetent English suffices. The French chef, who is totally besotted by her foreign appeal and simplicity, finds a friend in her and tries to regain her confidence.

I thought it was a lesson for all of us English-mouthed people, who find faults in erroneous English spoken by people whose first language isn't English, more than someone whose first vernacular is English. And it amazes me how this conviction is so inculcated in us and it’s almost a major syndrome that divides and defines the different stratus of the society- the upper and the middle class- who consider it elegant! The movie successfully accentuates this strange phenomenon and concludes triumphantly with a sound and warm message.

I’d watch it again. And again. For Sridevi! =)

The one with all the ranting

Ah well…big leap for me... living life as an otaku after a 4 year long problematic and nurturing journey through a ‘business school (the term should salutary be reserved for top-tier institutes, the one I was enrolled to was more like, well, a meat-market!) And to be honest, I was not quite sure what I’d become on the other side of the transformation that was soon to begin.  It’s been a hell of an experience until now. To begin with, a workaholic (yeah, Big Surprise!) like me just HAD to go through the most unpurposeful and unengaging phase of my life which is, if you’ll pardon my metaphor, depressing like Paris Hilton’s sex tape.

Well, after 4 years of calculating bond-prices and doing SWOT analysis for companies where I can only dream about working in, I’m staying idle at my home and I swear it does NOT seem like 4 years have gone by. During the course it seemed like this time would never come, but now it just feels like the whole thing just raced past… At the time, the tedium was unbearable; classes, presentations, tests,  K.U’s nightmarish questions during exams, my Spanish classes in between and sleepless nights… but now all I can remember are my friends, shopping with them, trudging through the corridors in the college and smirking at ppl with horrendous clothing sense and personal hygiene(who wears a pearl set and bathroom slippers to college??!) our oh-so-lavish b’day treats( I’d spent almost all of my internship- stipend on treating my friends) the frequently hovering at Shisha and at our very own Central Perk-Coffee Station … just the good times... It’s odd how the grass is always greener on the other side… Back then I was dying for classes and my internship to get over, now I’m feeling so restless that I wouldn't mind going back. But it’s only for the part of college other than the academic part of course…: P

The funny thing is that all this while I was waiting for my college to get over so that I could start preparing for my MBA, start with GMAT classes and try to continue working at Standard Chartered after completing my internship there.  But none of that seem to be working right for me. I was also proud for making it through the course without having to sit for a single compartmental exam. But pride lasts only so long, right? It seemed to be almost anticlimactic, with a little but compelling voice in the back of my mind asking “now what?” The pressure of graduation, the need to start looking for a job and then the uncanny and weird positions that I engage myself to towered the pride I should be have been feeling.

Well, initially, I’d thought it shouldn't be so hard. I've seen multiple people go through this. In fact, I've myself judged and disapproved of people who rant about their unproductiveness and are obsessed with downloading self-help journals or books with the promise of a more focused and productive life or a “8-week solution for shaping your mind, career..” with revolutionary ways of mapping ideas and plans for success. Geez.

I've never wanted to join the club. But ever since I was done with my exams, that’s all I have been doing- calculating and re-calculating days I've stayed ideal-hoping for a math error, only to realize that it has been 3 fucking months! (Whoever said ‘time flies’ is getting a closed-fist punch in his scrotum. I swear.)

I was actually very happy the months before this- August and September. I was cheerfully putting my latest hobby to work. I was downloading books and latest season of Modern Family (btw, why are they replacing adorable yet prop-like silent Lily on the show?? Ugh.) But for the past few weeks, I've been wanting to sink into a complete oblivion. Just somehow wishing that the next day passes without my mom or anyone noticing my idleness. So, I started engaging myself in doing household chores. I started cleaning my closet, my book rack, and scrubbing the bathtub. Inevitably, my insane need to get everything in spot and clean was getting stronger day-by-day. The neat freak Monica Geller began to rupture out of me. Except that it wasn't funny and it started scaring my mom.

The sun is just about to set, and like a nocturnalist I begin my day. I am at my best at night between the hours 9-2 am.  I more relaxed after a day-long panic of realizing that the day has just flown by like any other day.  And that today is going to end up the same way as it did yesterday, and like a sucker I am going to google 10 random posts that have the 7 keys to a productive life!  So come on ppl, what is the secret? Please don’t tell me the seven biblical methods such as introspection or ‘soul-searching’ or trashy meditations…mainly because I've tried it all. My patience is wearing thin and so is my attention span...It’s even getting difficult for me to  sit through a movie or read a book because I end up goggling words every time a random thought passes my mind.

Coffee mug in hand, here I go……

So I’m not dead yet. On the outside anyway. I died on the inside few years ago, the day when I realized that my smooth asian hair is falling out. Talking about hairy issues, I almost stumbled in disbelief the other day upon spying not one but two(!) white hairs on my head. Good Lord. So now its official. I’m old.  Not even 21 yet, and I’ve already been put out to pasture.

Anyway, I sort of needed a break. “ A break from what?” some of you may ask in a hushed tone. Good question, however, history teaches us that some questions are better left unanswered. 

All kidding aside, I couldn’t write. I mean, seriously, I was saving million drafts per day but nothing quite right.

So the past few weeks have been kind of surreal. Mostly because I have not felt like talking to anyone. For the first time in my life, it’s like I have nothing to say.

I don’t know what it is but it’s like been very quite in these here parts. Which is very unusual because I even talk when I’m sleeping. Maybe its just too much of post -exam trauma or the excess caffeine is wearing off , or my brain has gone into coma and forgotten to inform me or something like that. Shit, I can’t even hear the voices in my head. It’s like all of them got together and decided to go for a road trip leaving me behind.

I aint really anti-social even though I talk to a very selected few( not because a lot of people cannot stand and understand me), but this is even strange for me. I mean *me* not wanting to talk is like Charlie Harper refusing to have sex or Lady Gaga not horrifying us with her zany outfits. Hell, I haven’t even clogged my friend’s minds with my moronic opinion for quite a while.

I have this uncanny urge to put my head in the sand. Metaphorically, of course.  As I said, it’s quite strange for me. I ALWAYS have something to say. About everything. Even about things I don’t know shit about.  Like that time when I gave an advanced discourse about “getting deflowered” to one of my friends who was about to “do” his girlfriend.( I had to tell him what goes where and how. By far, one of the worst nights of my life. I still shiver and puke when I think about it.)

I hope this ends soon. ‘Cause I don’t want to turn into one of those people who speak very little and always think and weigh their words before they say anything.

I just want to go back to being th blabbermouth, the weirdo, with a ton of supressed issues, who says everything that comes to his mind because he does not have a filter. THAT person people want to always keep little drunk because if he is sober, he might be tempted to take over the world. Ting!

Scrub the Crud

Most people live with their head in the clouds and for majority of us, it’s sheer mundane. How can people  be so content in their mediocrity? That’s one question that  never ceases to cross my mind.  Most of life is mundane..interrupted by moments of sheer pleasure and  sheer melancholy. And as the popular cliché goes, it’s a roller coaster ride! Indeed it is.(Mine is more like a giant wheel.  It keeps going up , no matter what)  But there’s only one thing that maintains its speed- our daily grind. Its one of those sadness that makes life seem so tedious and mechanical.  

Your day starts when you wake up to the alarm ranting like an angry housewife.  You wash up the  crud you’ve accumulated since last night. Scrub all you want, but  you know you’ve been a dirty pig. Why can’t you leave them alone? Didn’t they come at the cost of the life you’ve led?

 You clothe yourself in that which is considered appropriate. Appropriate for whom? You leave that unanswered everytime. You spend your day doing things that you’re supposed to do. Who dictated that? You sure didn’t. Train yourself for a job you never thought you’d have when you were six. You wanted to be something else. You wanted to do something different from others.  And  now you wait placidly for your paycheck so that you can spend it on some silly booze  and on evenings with friends, family and general loved ones. People you try so hard to please and make happy. Even at the cost of your own. You don’t really know if they like you ,do you?

Or you’ll be that douche who has no friends simply because he couldn’t stand to believe people. Your own intelligence and your own sense of humour and your own bravado is enough for you. You won’t be losing anything. Of course not!  But the little man in that nook of your soul will probably mock you– because he’s lonely.

If you’re lucky enough to fornicate before you go to sleep, you’ll do that. And then you lie back pompously once you’re done because hearing your partner panting with pleasure makes you feel like a  superhero. She probably faked it.  But you’ll never know for sure.

 But if your life is as dreary as I expect it is, you’ll masturbate, a lot. You’ll prolly picture some girl or a guy  you’ll never get. That’s probably the only time in your day when  you feel  completely exhilirated. You feel like a GOD when you do it, don’t you? Admit it. And then finally you’ll lie back to sleep. Dream up something really glossy and happy to console yourself. It’s the best you can do. But you’ll drift off eventually. Your fantasy will probably sway into some sadistic version of your reality, into a nightmare probably. You might wake up in the middle all sweaty and scared. You will hug your pillow. Drink some water and go back to sleep. Snore. Drool.  Jack off again. Fart.  Do all the things you can’t do in front of the world.

And that people, is how our life is WASTED.

Ah, Yes, More about me? Here are 10 random things:

   1)I want to try everything. And anything. I want to experience absolutely everything that life has to offer, thrice over, excluding experiences of the narcotic and tobacco kind. Also, have a threesome and bondage experience lol. And see what the fuss is all about.

  2)I want to have a job that involves playing ‘Name-place-animal-thing’, eating maggi, watching cats sing on youtube, petting dogs and correcting ppl’s spellings. Don’t say I don’t have goals!

  3) I hate it when cousins return form US and brag about zillion of things. When all they get for us is Hershey’s kisses or snickers. I feel like using those Hershey’s kisses as butt plugs on them. And I will one of these days:|

  4)Although I do think the best plans are the spontaneous ones, I have a paranoia for advance planning. I will be satisfied when tickets for a movie are booked  in advance... Add the zero patience, and I snap when people refuse to help in planning at all. And woe betide someone if the plan is called off due to the lack of planning….

 5)Whenever I am bored, I google Rakhi Sawant, Lady Gaga, ‘I swallowed semen, will I get pregnant? .., “Is Barack Obama gay?”…And then there’s always some update that makes me go ROFL. J ( Google’s search engine must be certainly convinced that I am a dull, middle-aged man with messed up priorities and scandolous fetishes)









ROFL. Btw, magnified sperms are too cute.
They are like little tadpoles all misguided and

bumping into each other. lol Dont you think so?

Ummm, may I just faint??

  6)Once I start laughing in earnest, it’s next to impossible to get me to stop. And it has its benefits too. People act concerned and very sympathetic like they’re talking to a nutcase after I haven’t paused once in two full minutes. Once, I startled a friend so much he offered to buy me a dozen of snickers if that would make me pause and assure him I was fine.( I still kick myself for having politely and breathlessly declined that offer). The longest I’ve lasted to my recollection is 2 hours 15 minutes. All right… Pick up those jaws now… Where’s your courtesy?

 7) I have imaginary conversations with my alter ego-my imaginary evil twin. He is a very wicked alter ego, and does all sorts of things I wouldn't contemplate: devilish advocacy, reading Danielle Steel, trying to get pregnant woman to drink more.

 8) I can survive solely on Maggi and mangoes. The two M’s of my life. I love food more than I love my little toes on both feet. Ehh they're too cute anyway.You got that right..I am a hardcore foot fetishist!

 9)I would sell my soul to have a puppy who dotes on me. Every morning I wake up hoping someone’d have left a Golden Retriever pup for me at the doorstep. And everytime I console myself thinking that it must have got lost in the transit.



awwww..what wouldn't I give up for these!!

  10) I cry. Way too often. Ok maybe not melodramatic cry…. When Jamie(Walk to remember) died, yes. When Marley died, yes. When Titanic sank, yes. That’s ok, right?  Now… When Hassan got raped (Kite runner) I got emotional. When Ross kissed Rachel for the first time and declared his love for her, I had to blink my eyes rapidly. (FRIENDS series for the ones scratching their heads/beards). When Serena and Blair reunited( You are a sexist if you hate “Gossip Girls” and call it a ‘chick flick’), I thought a sentimental “good-for-them”. When Amitabh Bachchan and Rekha walk away hand in hand in the floral garden singing ‘ye kaha aggaye hum’, I sighed.  You get the picture. Yeah. That lame :|

10 things that usually cross my head:

1)  Will I ever have a love life like Romeo and Juliet, Antony and Cleopatra,Spongebob and Patrick, Dora and her monkey?..Ok,except the last one.lol

2)  Will I ever find my soulmate? And by soulmate I mean someone whom I could share my maggi with.

3)  How did peacock get its name anyways…? That small, eh?? =D

4)  Why were cockroaches and mice put on this earth when they serve no purpose but to annoy?

5)  Why does Tang cause a tingling itch in my throat? And maybe elsewhere.

6)  Why do some ppl spell “come” as “cum” ? Really?? Why kill a decent 4-letter word with one that means something sooo different?  

7)  How can I even be friends with someone who has never watched an episode of F.R.I.E.N.D.S till date?! Mildly disturbing it is. :|

8)  Will Nigella Lawson ever put on weight after eating all those sinful stuff she cooks?

9)  When will I land up in Spain??

10) Why are the only messages I get nowadays are from Ncell?

   This was tougher than I thought. And longer than I thought it would take. But uber fun. Anyone, who wants, take a shot at it. Enjoy!! =D

Ruled by frauds

Its a pity that I dont use swear words… Though I know a hell lot of them, I never become profane. Then how shall I let out my anger, frustration, sadness and all? In the morning, there were only a few reasons, but as the day got older, I think enough reasons popped up to drown me in. Are there only frauds in this world? Why can’t I ever meet people who are a bit more nice? And why is the world becoming such a tough place for me day by day? God! I wish I wasnt born.. Or else, make me invisible, so that I can kill a few people out there. Really!! This has gone too far, and I cant take it anymore. As I feared, that ghastly animal in me has begun to rupture out of its lair and is about to take out a few lives too..
But the thing I want to ask to myself is why am I so much worried about people who don't mean anything to me? or do they really mean a lot to me, and I'm just ignorant about it?? In that case, I’m damn possessive and that's whats making me feel this way right now… But do they feel about me the same way that I feel about them? Is everyone truthful about their feelings? I dont think so.. Relationships have lost their value.. Frauds rule… and the ones who really put their time and effort to make a relation work are just fools who do not get back anything in return for their strain.

Time changes...And how.

I used to often go with my mom to the house of her colleagues from her office. The grown ups would sit and discuss work, places they bought their saris from and fancy recipes, while the kids would be packed off to play together.
One particular colleague had a daughter who I played video-game with on a regular basis. After having been to that girls' house many many times and after one particularly good game of super mario, I was jubilant. On the way home, I asked my mom in a very matter-of-fact way and with full confidence: “Mom, when I grow up, I’m going to marry Astha la?” A highly flustered mom hummed and hawed for a while, gave me a hasty “Let’s see, let’s see, now come on hurry up” and frisked me away.
Circa 2010.Mom sees a gold bracelet she likes and asks me if I’d like something like that to gift my potential wife. When I politely decline, she goes ahead anyway and says that she would have to buy it for my wedding anyhoo. Ditto for any grossly expensive and blingy jewellery set or sari or pretty much anything she likes and wishes to buy for my would-be wife. Now I humm and haw and mutter an infuriated “Be happy if I even get married” under my breath. When my mom starts off about her daughter-in-law who she insists must be Bahun, educated, beautiful, vegetarian, etc. etc, I give her a “Be happy if I end up with a girl instead of a guy.” That succeeds in ending the discussion right there, thankfully. Ah, how times change.